I have officially quit Nteam / Nat Squad on Friday.
The thought of quitting has been lingering on my brain for the longest time every now and then - whether it was not performing up to expectations (internally and externally) or purely because training was too tiring / time consuming and I just can't afford to give my 100% to everything that I'm committed to at the moment, which is something that I really hate. I think it is innate that I give my 200% to things that I really like - be it effort, time or energy.
I've really thought about it very very seriously in the past few months and realised that going for trainings no longer make me happy. I'm always dragging myself to the gym, or to Pandan on weekends, trying to rush everything just so that I can turn up for trainings on time. Work became so stressful because I don't have enough time to do / finish things that I want to, because I need to make time for class and trainings. While I want to go for all the trainings, I also want to do well at work and learning new things become impossible when you don't put in extra time and effort. And I can't even afford it. I become damn tired everyday because I reach home at 12midnight almost everyday and trying to wake up early to go to work is almost impossible. So why should I put myself through all these and what do I want to get out of this at the end of the day.
I realised I wanted to go for trainings last time because of the people there. Going for training makes me happy and feels like there's a purpose in life - or maybe just because there wasn't any other better things to do at those points of time. Seeing myself grow after going through trainings and competitions gave me the sense of satisfaction that kept me going. But as I grew older, I realise polo is no longer the priority. Partly also because people's attitudes and polotics really turns me off and just makes me want to shut myself out of those mess and do things that I really want to do. With work + trainings + study, my social life outside polo is almost zero. I don't even meet my friends / go out with colleagues because I'm either too tired or too busy.
I don't really care if people judge why I'm quitting now or why the sudden announcement that I'm quitting. Maybe cos I don't show very obvious "symptoms" like skipping trainings etc because I'm the all-in or all-out. People ask why no "notice period" haha. If i decide to quit, then why should I go for more trainings? There's no purpose.
Maybe this was my mini quarter-life crisis, but I can only say that I feel really really really happy and relieved after quitting. It is really a whole new world to me and the newfound freedom really makes me so excited about what I can do with this extra blocks of time that I gain every week! I can FINALLY sleep in on Saturday mornings after X years of training at Pandan, without worrying or feeling stressed that I will be late for trainings on Sat mornings. I don't need to make myself stare at the super bright sun on Sat mornings and worrying that my passes are bad cos I can't see, and end up having super painful eyes on weekends from staring at the sun. I can do whatever I want on Sundays, without worrying that I need to leave house at 1pm for trainings. I don't need to worry about feeling damn tired after Sunday trainings and whether I can finish my work on Sunday nights. I don't need to rush like a mad cow during work hours just to complete my work by 6.30pm so that I can reach training on time and not be a burden because I'm late, especially on days that we had to run 5km.
But of course, polo is not just all bad like what i complained above. I think I was just too tired from everything in the past few months/years and wanted to have a change. I was so comfortable previously - too comfortable being busy that I didn't think whether it was truly what I wanted or enjoyed. Or i just chose to not think about it because it was still bearable and such a big change really needs courage.
Polo has taught me many things in the past 10 or 11 years.
Persistence and Determination - going back to the gym every week even when you feel like dying after every session, going to Pandan every weekend even though its so hard to crawl out of bed in the morning and you really really hate rowing to the bridge but you know its good for you eventually.
Friendship - Had many friends in polo and i'm closer to some of them more than anyone else in this world. But it also showed me how childish / selfish / weird some people can be.
Passion - I really salute the seniors who are in this sport for so much longer than I am. I still like playing polo, but I think I should only play at a Recre level now haha.
And I just want to thank those who helped me in one way or the other when I was training in Nteam for the past 6 years esp Koach who always tries to help me and never given up on me despite how cui I was at times. It was the hardest to break the news to him haha.
Now that I'm a free bird, looking forward to my new life and hurray to longer sleep hours and a happier life!
